Leadership is misunderstood. This makes sense because there doesn’t seem to be a one-size-fits-all model everyone can effectively follow. Of course, there are philosophies and approaches we can borrow from to develop ourselves. Self-help books are replete with great ideas and options.
In our thirty-plus years working with leaders, we have seen a diversity of leaders using any combination of the six styles: coercive, authoritarian, pacesetter, affiliative, democratic, and coaching. While we may advocate for some over others, we’ve seen leaders be successful using some form of every style.
Straightforward with expectations, quick with feedback
There is one characteristic, though, that, when applied, makes the most significant difference between a typical leader and one who stands out from the rest. I first experienced this as a high school student working after school in my hometown drugstore. I worked behind the ice cream and soda counter, serving my fellow students after school. My boss was the pharmacist and owner. He was straightforward with expectations and quick with feedback. I worked there through high school and my first two years of college.
My pharmacist boss was known for his tough, uncompromising demands for excellence and service. The older clerks in the store respected his standards, often mirroring his words and gestures. He was the hardest worker in the drugstore, a fact we all knew. His leadership style, his commitment, and his work ethic left a lasting impression on me, shaping my own leadership skills. I loved my job, and his influence continues to guide me years later.
I often reflect on his leadership working with tech leaders. He was the boss. The authority. You could say he was coercive with his demands for excellence, but he modeled it. Periodically, he would consult with us on big decisions, like when he remodeled the store and was always available for coaching. But it wasn’t until recent years that it hit me. He taught me something that was never mentioned. I realized this while working with our team and repeating our values.
Like any service company, we train each other on certain operating principles. Things like showtime, which means staying focused on the result versus being crippled by the challenges which inevitably come up. Or our three values of creativity, accountability, and service. Even our Aristilian mission of “search the world for the good people and help to make their truth persuasive.”
It’s never about us
But there has always been this one pesky principle we simply call “it’s never about us.” This is probably the one we debate the most, particularly when job demands exceed the agreed-upon budget or when we’re asked to promote ourselves by sharing who we work with. You see this in forums like the well-worn book The Four Agreements or in the theological writings of mystics like Simone Weil. It’s the idea of focusing on others rather than yourself.
It wasn’t until recently, after reading a lot of philosophical and historical books prompted by the COVID lockdowns, that I realized my first boss in that little southern town drug store had modeled this thinking. His work, his life, was always about serving and being of service to others. But it was more than that. I realize now that he had accomplished what most philosophers would say is the highest state of being. He had eliminated himself and his ego from his work and life. It was never about him.
4 ways to reduce ego
So I inquired from ChatGPT how best to achieve this death of ego, and here’s what it said.
To embody the principles of ego death in leadership, individuals can take practical steps:
- Practice Self-Reflection: Regularly assess your motivations and intentions. Ask yourself whether your decisions are driven by personal ambition or the greater good.
- Embrace Vulnerability: Share your challenges and uncertainties with your team. This openness fosters trust and encourages others to do the same.
- Encourage Collaboration: Create opportunities for team members to share ideas and collaborate. Recognize and celebrate collective achievements rather than focusing solely on individual contributions.
- Articulate a Clear Vision: Communicate a shared purpose and values that resonate with your team. Aligning everyone around common goals fosters unity and motivation.
It’s a life-long journey
Some leaders can easily accomplish a personal death of ego. I’m not one of them. This is a life-long journey of periodic success and mostly failure. But the older I get, the more I realize the wisdom of eliminating ego. Despite the difficulty and diligence required, I continue to work at it because it’s never about me. And those leaders who most stand out are the ones who realize this, too.
Looking for support on letting go of leadership ego? Check out our 1:1 coaching offerings that support new and seasoned leaders in their professional journeys.
